Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Blargh, humbug, spaghetti

I've been trying to avoid these little personal bullshit posts, but insomnia struck without the courtesy of leaving me enough of a brain to scribble with, and thoughts tend to be easier to organize when they're written down and detangled. So, you dear imaginaries get an update on my life, how amusing, righty ho?

Thing is, being female, not unattractive, and enlisted in the military (on an overseas base where the local language ain't English, no less) means you get lots and lots of company. Lots of people striking up conversations, lots of people wanting to hang with you, etc. etc. Honestly, it's harder for me to not get laid than it is to get laid. But a side effect of being a nice, pretty girl is I get virtually drowned under all these people wanting to be social with me, which means I often have to choose between people (all of whom I rather like) and sleep (which can be ignored in favor of monster at the expense of health and sanity). But apparently I've gotten to the point where sanity has made a last-ditch effort to intercede, and I've actually started growing a spine and demanding alone time and getting more sleep, so yay me. Horrible thing is, that's only come to pass since the depression swung around with a vengeance and I just didn't have enough spoons to be social and pretend to be okay all the time, so I suppose depression can be a positive thing after all? Or am I staring too long at the glass all cross-eyed to make myself see the silver lining?

Being depressed without being suicidal is such a weird feeling... Same apathy, same lack of energy, but I'm not really hating myself, I just want to hide from the world since I don't want to deal with people. Then again, apparently separating "suicidal" from "depression" doesn't make the suicidal bit go away, and it is VERY strange to feel suicidal whilst not depressed. Everything was going fine, I was feeling fulfilled about work and friendships and was excited for plans later, but I still ended having this feeling that I really, really needed to die right then. Of course, then the tree that grabbed me at Keesler gripped me tight, and I ended up spending half a day arguing and essentially bruising myself against her trunk, and I ended up very sore by the end of it. Note: People, seriously, don't argue with trees. They're always right and it's just going to be a bad time. 

No comments:

Post a Comment

Even if the post is a gazillion years old, feel free to comment ^.^