Gyaaaaaah

So, I wrote out this huge, nice little post giving a basic introduction to how complex Tarot readings can be.... and guess what happened? That's right, poof. *sigh* yeah, I could shoot something right now... except I'm just sane enough to actually realize that wouldn't fix anything. Kinda debating trying to write it out again, but until then...

Hearts are sore and breaths are quick
Snow floats to the ground without regret
Grey skies overhead, bare trees behind
And through it all, a life lead through sighs...

Yeah, kinda been dabbling in poetry... you can see how much it sucks, it's basically just me setting up some imagry with a little bit of emotion behind it, leaving the reader to intuit a story behind it. Actually, I realized I like doing that with alot of writing- setting up a scene, and leaving the reader to make a story for themselves. Not sure if that makes me seriously fucking lazy or not... or if that's a brilliant way to go about a book (since it lets the reader make a story that rings true to them at any moment, since they're always creating a story, able to read something new into it every time they read). I dunno, guess I'll figure it out eventually. Not like I've actually been serious about my writing, ever... and I doubt I will ever get serious, either. Maybe next year... the rest of this year is pretty planned out, and I've fallen into the social butterfly trap again, but it seems like half my social circle is leaving shortly *sadface*, but if I can avoid making more friends (or develop a backbone and get more assertive about demanding me time), and actually make time for myself, I'll actually work on writing actual stories (as well as meditating, talking to trees, sleeping, all that good stuff)!

In other news... you know how last year I wrote about being fucking depressed? Well, that actually mostly went away after I went to Basic, and I figured it was just that Basic managed to reprogram me enough that I didn't hate myself any longer.... but then recently I overextended a bunch with my power (basically I had to take care of a bunch of shit all at once), and tried to hide behind shielding to recover, and then I got a major case of depression again. So now I'm figuring that I get depressed when I close myself off. Though I managed to be depressed without actually seriously thinking about suicide, so go me?

And for a random epiphany I feel like sharing with the internet, I've realized just how amazingly fucked up my life was when I was living with my parents. Like, you can imagine how much Basic sucks, right? Bunch of people having all their freedoms stripped away, packed tightly in close quarters, half of them getting sick at various intervals, stressed as all hell... imagine having all that around you from all the people all around you, compounded by all the echoes from all the flights before you, as an empath. Scary thing is, I was able to open up my shields during Basic because the emotional pressure around me was seriously reduced. That's how much pain my parents house is in (basically both parents suffer continuous headaches, mother has continuous migraines plus a random neurological disease that means she has no sense of balance and her brain melts anytime she's exposed to +80 degrees, both parents are alcoholics and have serious depression issues, the entire area feels dead, droughts regularly happen in our area, etc). On the plus side, I learned how to make very strong shields almost unconsciously (I can be in a super crowded club and not be bothered, while other sensitives around me are freaking the hell out, and not realize what they're bothered by until I deliberately reach out and then run away because holy hell), but on the negative side, I have to actually consciously let down my shields if I want to sense anything. And considering how I do alot of things unconsciously... yeah, it can be a bitch.

Anyways, that's about half of what's going on in my brain. There's a whole other chapter on the shit going on in my brain, but it all involves other people and/or current events I'm not actually sure I want to share with the Internet (and the three dear imaginaries who read this blog, all of whom know me in real life), so... At least I've gotten this much off my chest. There's a reason I created this little "personal bullshit" section, so I can get this shit off my chest and pretend I have an audience who cares, while relegating it off to the corner so decent people don't actually have to look at it! Yay organization and human ingenuity!