Thursday, August 9, 2012
Assumptions are frustrating
So, I’m sure ya’ll have noticed I like to use the word “so” to start off sentences with. Sorry! Not really sorry, but it is a handicap to my writing, so I will try and work on it even though it’s a lovely word. And I should probably use something besides “but anyways” as a transition, while I’m at it…
That was just a little digression, though- the real topic of this post is a little rant of mine. See, people make this huge unconscious assumption and never ever think about it, even when it causes them huge amounts of heartbreak, and it drives me nuts! What I’m talking about is monogamy. Honestly, I have not been able to find a legit reason for monogamy in modern times. However, the bullshit rationalizations…
Jealousy: aka “waaaah this person actually has interests outside of me!”. No seriously, that’s exactly what it is. People recognize that jealous, controlling significant others (people who don’t want their lovers to have any friends other than them, any hobbies they can’t share, etc) are really unhealthy, and people recognize that other people need to have a variety of friends and outside interests, but… it seems like people haven’t made the leap between “yeah, I wanted to hang out with my friend but they’re busy hanging out with someone else right now, that’s a mild bummer” and “yeah I wanted to fuck my lover but they’re busy fucking someone else right now, that’s a mild bummer”. One is a perfectly common scenario, the other is the end of the world! Seriously, jealous people: The reason the person you’re interested in is interesting is because they have outside interests, outside experiences, outside relationships! And it’s bullshit that you’re allowed to share everything (friendship, partnerships in some project, hobbies) but sex with multiple people.
“But if you really loved them, you’d only want to be with them!” Just like if you really loved your hobby, there’s no possible way you could get bored or tired with it. Or if you truly loved your home, there’s no way you’d possibly want to go on an adventure, get out of the house and live a little. Hey, if you truly loved your job, there’s no way you’d ever want a break from it, right? Some people are wired to be focused like that… but others aren’t, and it’s despicable to treat them like they’re supposed to be wired differently. It’s bullshit that people are allowed to want to switch up hobbies, best pals, jobs, places to live… and not lovers.
“What, you want more than one lover? You’re so greedy!” No, you’re greedy for wanting your partner all to yourself, when the idea of “owning” a person is just wrong anyways. English has very possessive language when it comes to describing relationships (“my friend”, “my pet”, “my boss”… see what I mean?), but it’s bullshit to take it literally in the case of significant others.
“You just want an excuse to cheat.” Excuse me, cheating is a betrayal, a lie, telling someone that you’ll do X and doing Y instead. If I told my roomie I’d wash the dishes and then didn’t, I’d be cheating her! If someone told their significant other told them they wouldn’t go drinking (or to the theaters, or fishing, or insert some other activity here) with anyone else, but then went partying with a bunch of friends, they cheated! It’s bullshit that “real relationships” include this unspoken limitation, when there’s no need for it! As long as neither party expects monogamy, then there’s no lie, no betrayal, and therefore in no way is it cheating.
“So you’re such a horndog that you need that many sex partners.” Possibly; what’s wrong with that? Or maybe I like to switch between different people’s styles in bed. Or maybe I like experimenting with people. Or maybe I move around alot, so it’d be insane to try and stick with just one person. Or maybe my private life shouldn’t be any of your business unless I make it your business.
I could go on and on, and maybe if I hear more rationalizations I’ll edit them into the post…
I don’t know why monogamy came about, and I don’t know why people thought it was a good idea… but I call bullshit on the cultural assumption that monogamy should be the default. People should have as many lovers as they have time and energy for, just like people have as many friends as they have time and energy for, as many pursuits, etc. etc. Yes, I do sound like I’m attacking the precious institution of monogamy. That’s because I am; object to the various ways I’m attacking it, if you have a counter in defense of the institution, not to the simple fact that I dare to attack it. And it may sound like I object to all monogamous relationships; not necessarily. If you both like monogamy, rock on. I just think that the limitations of monogamy should be taken on a special case, not as a default meant to be “one size fits all”, because it’s a super tiny size.